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"Rumors are almost always true"
Alkes Price

Hi, my name is Morgan Price. Many people clutter their home pages with details of their lives, even of their sordid pasts. I clutter mine with sordid writings instead, and call them rants. Most of these rants are mine, and I have been accused of everything from academic fraud to mindless promiscuity on the basis of these rants, so I ask that you read them carefully. Perhaps you will learn something about me too! If you do, and wish to spread it around, please let me know. I would also like to hear from you if you believe that this page, or any of the pages it links to, are in violation of the Communications Decency Act.

But enough about me, it's you you're concerned about!

• Are you looking for a boyfriend?
• Do you need a few more patents to get your startup funded? I have an invention that can help.
• Are you hard up for cash? Not getting your money's worth out of your expensive education? You should sign up with Knowledge Enterprises.
• Are you having a hard time with your sex life? Perhaps you find it's getting cluttered, even slow and unwieldy? Pipelining can help!
• Are you a welfare mom? Do you know what you'll do when welfare reform becomes a reality? Greater minds than mine and Newt's have pondered this age-old question, and Jonathan Swift has a modest proposal that will solve all of your problems!
• Are you alarmed by the relentless pollution of TV with sex and violence? Study some relevant quotes from the Bible, or better yet, read about Bob Dole's solution to the problem!
• Perhaps you wonder why you want to get a Ph.D. and become a college professor? My friend Ray has an explanation.
• Do you dream about conceiving dozens of babies? Joy Williams' "The Case Against Babies" will cure you!

Are you an escapist? Do you worry about other people's problems instead of your own? Perhaps you study the news, where all crises are ephemeral, and a new worry shows up every night. I can help you with these crises also, but each rant becomes obsolete together with the underlying problem, and there's really little point. Just keep watching. Or perhaps the TV news is too scary for you, and instead you study the news of yesterday.

• Were you confused during the '95-'96 budget crisis, or alarmed when the government shut down, and do you still wonder what it was all about?
• Do you want to know why Ross Perot ran for president?
• What Bill Clinton should have done in Haiti when the (Haitian) military seized power?
• Why someone would hit an Olympic ice skater with a lead pipe a few months before the ice skating finals?

Have you tried reading poetry as an escape, and gotten bogged down trying to figure out what it all means? Tired of obscure words like "morn"? Read Jabberwocky instead! It signifies nothing, and hence nothing distracts from the beauty of the words. It's even better in German.

Are you a net-surfing addict, and an impatient reader? If you got this far then you probably are. Would you prefer a list of my rants? But your mind is probably numb after months of mindless point-and- click browsing for nothing of value, and I recommend that you cross over to my links page instead. Good luck on your search for Eurasian porn or whatever it is you want.

Why do cats paint?