"Our music, movies, TV and advertising regularly push the limits of decency, bombarding our children with destructive messages of casual violence and even more casual sex." Bob Dole, 5/31/95. Sorry, I don't know the name of the speechwriter. The problem runs far deeper than our friend Bob realizes, all the way to the Bible. He merely skims the surface. For millenia adults have enjoyed the descriptions of genocide, the sexual perversions, the random smitings, the drug-induced revelations. With the Protestant fad of actually reading the Bible, this dangerous material has been made available to, even pressed upon, impressionable young minds. Even upon sensitive young artists! Yes pop culture has become destructive, but why? I will take you to the heart of the trouble. With proper assembly, a screenplay for the sorts of Hollywood movies Bob complains about could be produced out of Biblical materials. Sex and violence abound. Consider the Lord's commandment of genocide against the Midianites (Numbers 31). 7 And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. ... 11 And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts. ... 15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? 16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. 17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. 18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. ... 32 And the booty ... 35 [was] And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. It has all the key elements for the introduction: a battle, countless meaningless murders, the courtroom drama of Moses condemming the women, gratuitous nudity for the hymen inspections (32,000 of them!), and maybe even a few rapings of the virgins at the end. And let the story continue with a little ethnic cleansing, for the Lord's blood-lust has been satiated, and He is in a less bloodthirsty mood (Numbers 33). 50 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the plains of Moab by Jordan near Jericho, saying, 51 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye are passed over Jordan into the land of Canaan; 52 Then ye shall drive out all the inhabitants of the land from before you, and destroy all their pictures, and destroy all their molten images, and quite pluck down all their high places: 53 And ye shall dispossess the inhabitants of the land, and dwell therein: for I have given you the land to possess it. ... 55 But if ye will not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you; then it shall come to pass, that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes, and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein ye dwell. It is true that the violence described above is not the casual sort Bob abhors, but premeditated, and verily premeditation is a strange palliative for genocide. You are perhaps thinking of Rwanda, Bosnia, and Somalia, and finding it strange that Bob does not understand genocide and ethnic cleansing in those countries to be the just will of the Lord. Or perhaps he votes for the American military to oppose justice. But I fear you are bored already with these tales, for they are not original. And just as when watching some Hollywood movie, you have had your fill of stupid violence for the while, and desire a peaceful interlude of sex. Thus, with no continuity of plot, without any veneer of rationalization, we come the light farce of Lot's daughters and their unique solution to the man shortage (Genesis 19). 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. A couple good incest scenes, but rather short, and it is time to add a little casual violence into the mix. After all, sex and violence belong together! The story of Onan (Genesis 38) is worthy of a demented imagination, and never mind that it might be true, because after all Bob doesn't. I hope it will satisfy. 7 And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. 8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's [Er's] wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. 9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. And our tragic interlude comes to an end, but the moralist's work is never done. Remember: even if you fuck in the missionary position, it is all for nought if you don't finish right. The Bible movie has gone on for almost an hour now, and it is time for an ending. What you want is a good explosion, or ideally a continuous half hour of carnage followed by one really big one. It's the ideal climax to a nice violent movie, and I don't want to disappoint you. Unfortunately the Lord hadn't discovered gunpowder yet, and can't deliver. He escaped this conundrum by promising an ending in the unspecified future: not just once, but twice, in the original and again in the sequel! And so will I. Having read and, I hope, enjoyed my screenplay, think about the effects these tales will have on your kids. Think about family values. Think about protecting them from this filth. And perhaps you are saying to yourself, that I quote the Old Testament, and hence you should quote only the New Testament. This is wise. Many churches have adopted this practice already, and if you select such a one you need not fear what your kids may learn there. Or perhaps you will prefer to organize grass roots protest in your church, so that its Sunday school will be sanitized. But do not be too simple, for your children may hear of the Old Testament, and become curious. Help them remain ignorant: quote to them from the Old Testament, but only to bore them. For it is often such a dull work, and not only when the Lord gets a craving for genealogy and lets loose a chapter of begats. Read these laws from Leviticus 14, or, if you start to fall asleep, skip past it. For tedious detail is the fault of my subject and not my writing, and so you must punish only my subject. 21 And if he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved, to make an atonement for him, and one tenth deal of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering, and a log of oil; 22 And two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, such as he is able to get; and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering. 23 And he shall bring them on the eighth day for his cleansing unto the priest, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, before the LORD. 24 And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering, and the log of oil, and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD: 25 And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot: 26 And the priest shall pour of the oil into the palm of his own left hand: 27 And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD: 28 And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering: 29 And the rest of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall put upon the head of him that is to be cleansed, to make an atonement for him before the LORD. 30 And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, ... blah blah blah Oops... If the kids do manage to stay awake during that they may decide to offer Fido to the Lord. Just goes to show how carefully the Old Testament must be treated! And treat Revelations with care too. You wouldn't want to "Just Say No" to drugs and then read them Revelations 4. 6 And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind. 7 And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle. 8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come. And that is all the wisdom I wish to impart to you on child-rearing. Back to politics. Ignoring the real religious problems because he is beholden to fundamentalists, Bob goes after the small fry: movie studios, advertising executives, and artists. You heard of the WIMP FACTOR with the last Republican candidate, and it is high time to resurrect it. The real problems are big fish: ancient writings, religions, our culture, God, human nature. Any solutions, Bob? :-)