Up to Morgan's rants: listing or user's guide
You've probably heard of idle students shelling out dough to avoid writing those papers on obscure topics required by their "liberal arts" classes. We at Knowledge Enterprises have organized an anti-University to satisfy this growing market, all via the Internet! We need scores of new regurgitators to write papers for the unmet demand. Just write a paper on a given topic on your own (or someone else's) computer, on your own (or someone else's) time, and EARN $10 PER PAGE!!!
How does our "University" work? Our clients send us their paper topic. If it's in your field, we forward it to you. If you want it, then tell us, write it, and get paid. That simple! How can we pay so much? Our clients (parents) are rich. On the one hand, they can scour the surface of the obscure onto paper, or garner a few quotes (by skimming random pages of their readings) and mangle them into coherence. On the other? Sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, frat parties -- their idle amusements.
If you're a disgruntled grad student, this job is definitely for you! You're an expert in your area, and you've written piles of prose before, but this time you'll be properly paid! Tell your advisor to lump it! Work at your own pace! Fetch research materials from your University's libraries and revenge yourself!
How do you regurgitate? If you really haven't done it before you shouldn't be reading this. You've read a book, read a topic, filed the book down to three quotes and two relevant ideas, and ground out the arbitrary number of pages, right? It's easy, especially on a full stomach of Chinese take out. And the anti-University provides book summaries, ideas, interesting quotes, even previous regurgitant. Together with the computer you're reading this with and the library at your neighborhood University you'll be fully supplied!
So send us an application today! All we need are your C. vitae, the areas you
want to write about, and a few words about why you want to! Don't worry if you're not a
grad student, or not disgruntled enough,
or not already an expert on, say, 19th century Russian novels. (Although that is in
particular demand, since nobody wants to read them.) If you can write, our
University can educate you! Email cleansemybrain@anti.university.knowledgee.com
And if you're in one of those fields where undergraduates cram instead of write, or
this work just isn't enough of a challenge, don't worry! We're planning an expansion into
"Test-takers Anonymous" and into
graduate work with "Proxy Mastery."
Apart from myself and my friend Geoff Langdale, who helped me come up with the idea, people were not amused when I posted this rant to soc.college and soc.college.grad during the summer of 1995. To an administrator at the CMU Computer Science department, where I was a grad student at the time, someone wrote
This was posted in some internet newsgroups today and represents an activity which violates the basic principles of education. I don't know if it is really from one of your students, but I thought you should be aware of it.
and on being informed it was a joke persisted with
You know, the only thing I found implausible about your posting was that someone would start such a business using an .edu account. There are lots of businesses that do this and they are generally limited by location. I suspect that before long someone will start such a service using the web. Now, make my day and tell me that Marty Rimm is really a just a big hack perpetrated by CMU students.
(This was the time of the great Martin Rimm porn scare.) Several other people contacted faculty in my department to warn them or complain about it.
Finally, this response from the dark side:
Prove to me that this isn't somehow illegal, and I can't get in trouble for it and I'll consider it. :) I wrote 50% of my boyfriend's papers for him my sophomore year in college and he always ended up with better grades than I did...I guess when it's someone elses' grades I'm more careful :)
A number of Internet businesses are now competing in this area. If only I'd patented my business model! On the one side, cheater.com and Evil House of Cheat are selling (or giving away) student papers. On the other side, plagiarism.org and plagiarism.com (no relation) have automatic plagiarism detectors for teachers. Is this a battle of technologies? Plagiarism.com may already be playing both sides of the fence: its products include a "Plagiarism Self-Detection Program" so that students can void "inadvertent" plagiarism. But my favorite solution is for the Evil House of Cheat to quietly buy out the plagiarism detection companies. To keep academia happy, the plagiarism wing of the outfit would sacrifice an occasional cheater.
Artificial intelligence researchers have successfully tested an automated essay grading machine. The machine works by statistics and ignores syntax: it looks for word combinations and phrases that are representative of high-quality essays. Rumor has it that large universities will be grading essays this way soon.
Based on this technology, Knowledge Enterprises stands ready to furnish
our customers with the most statistically well-founded computer-generated prose on any
given subject. With our new PerfectMatch service ($14.95 per 1000 words) we will provide
semantically valid word-combinations for any topic! Or try our new PerfectMatch Gold
(price on application) - with the "Grammatical Sentences" option!
Void where prohibited; not licensed for sale in Maine or Vermont; some
restrictions apply
by Morgan Price and Geoff Langdale